advice.

People enlist in the military for countless reasons. Regardless of the motivation, it's undeniable that these people come with an inherent sense of honor. They have chosen to serve, and in turn sacrifice their own safety, and many times, a sense of normalcy. Enlisting requires sacrifice, selflessness, and motivation to serve. What an amazing thing that is.

Often along for the ride are the military girlfriends, boyfriends, fiances, and spouses. As one of these people, I can say I have so much pride for Eric, his commitment, and his courage. But, loving someone in the military also requires a much different kind of strength and sacrifice.

As a military girlfriend, the lifestyle has faced me with minor challenges thus far. I've written previously on those challenges, but now the big one continues to creep up: deployment. This year in Afghanistan will fulfill Eric's commitment to serve and protect his country. It is what he has trained extensively for and become excited to do. At the same time, this year is my chance to fulfill my commitment as a military partner; to support and love a man that is sacrificing for me, and the rest of America.

As I've said before, navigating this smoothly is not instinctual for me. In fact, I've been handling it somewhat chaotically. As time goes on, the chaos seems to escalate. Now, I'm not talking getting busier, or being spread too thin; I'm talking about the activity in my own brain getting more chaotic. I internally teeter-totter between strength and weakness, conviction and hesitancy, and calm and chaos.

Throughout the preparation process, I have taken comfort in the advice and words of support from my loved ones. As someone who thrives off of interpersonal connection with those I love, it's safe to say that I've spent a lot of this past year speaking with people I trust about the worries, insecurities, struggles, and thoughts that enter my head surrounding this deployment. I am very blessed to have several wonderful people in my life that often talk me from the chaos to the calm. I have also had the privilege of speaking with a few women who have supported their soldiers through deployment(s), and have gained some very valuable advice.

Having said that, I have gathered some pieces of advice and encouragement that have particularly affected me. These pearls of wisdom are for girlfriends/boyfriends/fiances/spouses of our military, in addition to those aiming to support the aforementioned group of people. The following list is a great resource for those trying to find things to say to someone with a situation similar to mine. What has helped me most in hearing these things is knowing that I'm not alone. I'm not unique in my struggle. My feelings are valid, and my lack of expertise at handling these things is ok. Some of this advice I can personally attest to, while some will only apply for my future self: the self I will be when the deployment starts, the self I'll be after deployment ends, and the self I'll be at the points in between.


In no particular order:

• Enjoy each other as much as possible before he leaves, but if the stress is causing you to argue or act differently, be gracious to yourselves. It could probably be summed up with: Be kind to yourself, and to him, and give yourself grace.*
• Don't stifle what you feel. Your feelings will often be inconvenient, and they may surprise you. Regardless, they need to be expressed before they consume you. Find a healthy outlet and don't wallow in the negativity.
• Journaling helps.* Clearly, I've taken this advice by choosing to try journaling in the form of blogging. I chose this mostly because I was seeking to find a blog like my own; a blog that followed the experience of someone like me going through a situation like mine. I didn't find one. So, I thought maybe I could journal my way through the experience and potentially help someone with a similar situation.
• You'll often hear things like "My boyfriend has been gone all weekend and I'm dying without him." Your first instinct will be to react and say "One weekend? Try a whole year!" Don't give into this. Each relationship has unique struggles. Military struggles are the ones you've signed on for, and you can't expect other people to understand or empathize.
• As the days count down, You will feel pressure to make your time together perfect. This intensifies the closer you get to deployment. You will feel the need to stifle all emotion, conflict, and human feelings because you want to make your dwindling time together fairy-tale-worthy. Let yourself off the hook and be real.
• In the days and months leading up to a deployment, you will continually fixate on counting down to this day he leaves and how many days you have left together, and it's not emotionally healthy. Try to distract yourself from the countdown. *
• On the day he leaves, you may feel relieved. Not because he's gone, but because the countdown to when he is home can start. The days of anticipation and dread are behind you, and you can begin counting down to when he's home.*
• Take some time for yourself before, during, and after the deployment. You may feel pressured to spend every moment together, but both of you will inevitably need time for yourself. Don't feel bad about this.
• Sometimes you will feel out of control of your own emotions. You may even feel crazy, but you're not. Just accept that the breakdowns are common, and that you're doing the best you can.
• Deployment makes you realize just how special time is with your loved one. It will make you grateful for the small things, like sitting on the couch watching a TV show or driving around running errands.* 
• Re-acclimating after the deployment can be tricky, but is also a major source of pride. and nothing compares to seeing each other for the first time after it's over. *

*Special thank you to Kristina Burkhart and Lindsay Mullenger for giving me these particular words of wisdom.