I must still have an internal "academic year" clock, because back-to-school season always stirs up a sense of restlessness in me. Fall has a way of prompting me to check in with myself; to evaluate where I'm at, determine what I want out of life, and make steps get myself there.
As I begin this process of reflection, I chuckle thinking about how different of a place I'm in than I was just one year ago. Last year, I was thinking about how great and stable things were. I was enjoying my new apartment, the one Eric had just moved into after wrapping up a job in Corvallis. I was thinking about how wonderful it was that Obama was bringing all our troops out of Afghanistan by the end of 2014, and quietly celebrating the notion that Eric may not have to deploy after all. I was anticipating my dad's retirement; how he'd finish up his final months at Proctor & Gamble, move out his little Seattle apartment, and my parents would be reunited in the Lake Oswego house that they had purchased early with their retirement in mind. I was thankful for my new job, and enjoying spending forty hours each week with these two friends that I called my boss and coworker. I was thinking of how much I enjoyed being Eric's girlfriend, but that I'd enjoy being his fiance even more.
As I begin this process of reflection, I chuckle thinking about how different of a place I'm in than I was just one year ago. Last year, I was thinking about how great and stable things were. I was enjoying my new apartment, the one Eric had just moved into after wrapping up a job in Corvallis. I was thinking about how wonderful it was that Obama was bringing all our troops out of Afghanistan by the end of 2014, and quietly celebrating the notion that Eric may not have to deploy after all. I was anticipating my dad's retirement; how he'd finish up his final months at Proctor & Gamble, move out his little Seattle apartment, and my parents would be reunited in the Lake Oswego house that they had purchased early with their retirement in mind. I was thankful for my new job, and enjoying spending forty hours each week with these two friends that I called my boss and coworker. I was thinking of how much I enjoyed being Eric's girlfriend, but that I'd enjoy being his fiance even more.
It really is remarkable how much can change in just one year.
So, life looks a little different, and a different life means new routines, new priorities, and new challenges. But, what better time than this season of change to fine-tune my new way of life?
Always on the forefront of my mind is my mission to continue enduring this deployment with as much grace and strength as possible. I'm realizing that in my preparation for the deployment, I set expectations for what would serve me as helpful and what would be unnecessary. Many of my expectations were correct, but some were wrong.
I originally thought that being as involved as possible in "army world" would be helpful. I thought it would connect me with others like me that could empathize and provide guidance and camaraderie. In my experience, I have actually found that involvement in family readiness groups and other military family networks hasn't been so helpful. I'm a little annoyed at my own lack of desire to be more involved in the community, but I just can't force it. I've found that being connected with others that are also experiencing some of the hardest times of their lives can be heavy and chaotic for me. The more involved I get, the further down the stress-and-self-pity-hole I go. That's not to say that I haven't connected with some other military wives and girlfriends, because I have. There are some awesome people out there in the exact same boat as I'm in, and it's nice to talk with them from time to time. But, I'm luckily blessed with many very supportive people outside of the military world, and frankly, it's just easier for me to cling onto those relationships than make new ones right now. I've found the best thing for me is to surround myself with the people that I already know and love; the ones that know and love me back. No, they don't necessarily know my situation, and they don't know what military life is like, but they don't need to.
However, if any military wife or girlfriend comes to me in the future seeking advice, I will most definitely suggest they reach out to their FRG Groups and explore getting involved in the community. I think I'm fairly unique in not finding comfort through involvement. I think everyone should at least try out being involved, and if it's not for you, there's nothing wrong in finding support through the resources you already have. My lack of involvement also stems from the fact that Eric and I don't have much time left in the military world. I've mentioned before that Eric's contract is up in November 2015, only a few months after his return home. Once this deployment is over, we're pretty much out of that life forever. So to me, attempting to integrate into the lifestyle isn't justified.
One of the best things I've done for myself since the whole start of this deployment mess has been starting up an exercise routine again. I say "again" because up until a couple months ago, I was actually pretty much sedentary for two years. They were the best two years of my life, full of Netflix and mac & cheese, but I digress. I discovered Barre 3 through some sorority friends right before Eric left, and I'm super thankful I did because it's about the only workout in the world that I like enough to stick with. I'm going about four times per week, and I feel great about it. I don't know if I see any physical results at this point, but I love that I have something to challenge myself with; something that is both physically and mentally healthy. It's like a therapy for me.
Of course, my other source of therapy is my actual therapy. I just started seeing a counselor about a month ago, and that routine has been very helpful as well. It's actually the first time I've ever found counseling to be effective. I have been to counselors in the past, but I've always had a hard time sticking with it. It's not that I'm ashamed to go or feel that it's unnecessary, it's just that I've always found myself sitting in front of impersonal strangers that just repeat everything I say to them back to me, but with a calming tone. That's never been helpful for me. Eric and I even saw a counselor a couple months before he left to see if we could get some helpful tips or tricks on how to remain strong through a deployment. The woman we met with really didn't know what to do with us, and we stopped going after the second meeting. I think we were probably one of the first couples she ever met with that was seeking "proactive" counseling for a problem that hadn't yet occurred. But, that's always been my objective when seeking counseling-- to find someone that can help me (and us) be productive about the situation at hand, I don't want to just wallow in it. Thankfully, I have found that, and feel like I'm working to take control of my own happiness. It's a very empowering feeling.
What else am I doing to keep sane? Oh, the regular. I work my 8-5 (I did get promoted recently--yay!), I go to my weekly happy hours, I peruse "Style Me Pretty" on the daily, I interact with Perry like she's my human child, I participate in "girls night" every Thursday, I keep up with The Mindy Project, American Horror Story: Freakshow, and SNL, I obsessively listen to Lana Del Rey, I collect little what-nots for Eric's monthly care package, I buy myself flowers every chance I get, and I plan the hell out of our wedding.
I guess I'm finding there's no special formula for getting through a tough time. I'm just doing what I can to take control over my outlook on the situation at hand; the one I had no control over in the first place. It's a challenging pursuit, but dammit, I'm trying. I may lose sight of the positive when things like Eric's downstairs neighbor accidentally unloading a firearm directly into his mattress happen (yes, that actually happened, no, Eric was miraculously not in bed at the time), but with every close-call or nervous breakdown, I smell the bundle of roses on my dresser, push myself a little harder in Barre 3, and remind myself that we're one day closer.
Speaking of the man himself, the one I'm one day closer to seeing, he's doing just fine. He's still witty as can be, and somehow his sense of humor is even more on-point than ever. Many of you have asked me for his address, which is awesome. If anyone reading this wants to send him some love, please feel free to ask me how! Receiving mail is an absolute day/week/month-brightener over there. When Eric isn't dodging bullets shot into his own mattress, he's working and doing daily-doubles at the gym on base. He's getting pretty beefy, as if he had any room to be more attractive. Also, if any of you are brainstorming welcome home gifts, he's become quite fixated on mini-pigs. Yes, actual miniature pigs that you keep as pets. He really thinks Perry would be a good big sister to a tiny oinker. Just a suggestion.
And with that, I'm onto making my most important decision of the day: gold or silver chargers with the place settings? I know, it's a doozy.
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| Perry stares at me like this the entire time I type up these blogs, FYI. |
