advice.

People enlist in the military for countless reasons. Regardless of the motivation, it's undeniable that these people come with an inherent sense of honor. They have chosen to serve, and in turn sacrifice their own safety, and many times, a sense of normalcy. Enlisting requires sacrifice, selflessness, and motivation to serve. What an amazing thing that is.

Often along for the ride are the military girlfriends, boyfriends, fiances, and spouses. As one of these people, I can say I have so much pride for Eric, his commitment, and his courage. But, loving someone in the military also requires a much different kind of strength and sacrifice.

As a military girlfriend, the lifestyle has faced me with minor challenges thus far. I've written previously on those challenges, but now the big one continues to creep up: deployment. This year in Afghanistan will fulfill Eric's commitment to serve and protect his country. It is what he has trained extensively for and become excited to do. At the same time, this year is my chance to fulfill my commitment as a military partner; to support and love a man that is sacrificing for me, and the rest of America.

As I've said before, navigating this smoothly is not instinctual for me. In fact, I've been handling it somewhat chaotically. As time goes on, the chaos seems to escalate. Now, I'm not talking getting busier, or being spread too thin; I'm talking about the activity in my own brain getting more chaotic. I internally teeter-totter between strength and weakness, conviction and hesitancy, and calm and chaos.

Throughout the preparation process, I have taken comfort in the advice and words of support from my loved ones. As someone who thrives off of interpersonal connection with those I love, it's safe to say that I've spent a lot of this past year speaking with people I trust about the worries, insecurities, struggles, and thoughts that enter my head surrounding this deployment. I am very blessed to have several wonderful people in my life that often talk me from the chaos to the calm. I have also had the privilege of speaking with a few women who have supported their soldiers through deployment(s), and have gained some very valuable advice.

Having said that, I have gathered some pieces of advice and encouragement that have particularly affected me. These pearls of wisdom are for girlfriends/boyfriends/fiances/spouses of our military, in addition to those aiming to support the aforementioned group of people. The following list is a great resource for those trying to find things to say to someone with a situation similar to mine. What has helped me most in hearing these things is knowing that I'm not alone. I'm not unique in my struggle. My feelings are valid, and my lack of expertise at handling these things is ok. Some of this advice I can personally attest to, while some will only apply for my future self: the self I will be when the deployment starts, the self I'll be after deployment ends, and the self I'll be at the points in between.


In no particular order:

• Enjoy each other as much as possible before he leaves, but if the stress is causing you to argue or act differently, be gracious to yourselves. It could probably be summed up with: Be kind to yourself, and to him, and give yourself grace.*
• Don't stifle what you feel. Your feelings will often be inconvenient, and they may surprise you. Regardless, they need to be expressed before they consume you. Find a healthy outlet and don't wallow in the negativity.
• Journaling helps.* Clearly, I've taken this advice by choosing to try journaling in the form of blogging. I chose this mostly because I was seeking to find a blog like my own; a blog that followed the experience of someone like me going through a situation like mine. I didn't find one. So, I thought maybe I could journal my way through the experience and potentially help someone with a similar situation.
• You'll often hear things like "My boyfriend has been gone all weekend and I'm dying without him." Your first instinct will be to react and say "One weekend? Try a whole year!" Don't give into this. Each relationship has unique struggles. Military struggles are the ones you've signed on for, and you can't expect other people to understand or empathize.
• As the days count down, You will feel pressure to make your time together perfect. This intensifies the closer you get to deployment. You will feel the need to stifle all emotion, conflict, and human feelings because you want to make your dwindling time together fairy-tale-worthy. Let yourself off the hook and be real.
• In the days and months leading up to a deployment, you will continually fixate on counting down to this day he leaves and how many days you have left together, and it's not emotionally healthy. Try to distract yourself from the countdown. *
• On the day he leaves, you may feel relieved. Not because he's gone, but because the countdown to when he is home can start. The days of anticipation and dread are behind you, and you can begin counting down to when he's home.*
• Take some time for yourself before, during, and after the deployment. You may feel pressured to spend every moment together, but both of you will inevitably need time for yourself. Don't feel bad about this.
• Sometimes you will feel out of control of your own emotions. You may even feel crazy, but you're not. Just accept that the breakdowns are common, and that you're doing the best you can.
• Deployment makes you realize just how special time is with your loved one. It will make you grateful for the small things, like sitting on the couch watching a TV show or driving around running errands.* 
• Re-acclimating after the deployment can be tricky, but is also a major source of pride. and nothing compares to seeing each other for the first time after it's over. *

*Special thank you to Kristina Burkhart and Lindsay Mullenger for giving me these particular words of wisdom.

an update.

Life is starting to feel normal again.

For the past couple of weeks, we've been adjusting out of the "Eric's away" routine and back into our regular routine. It feels absolutely wonderful. Our regular routine really isn't very complicated, it mostly just consists of movie nights, Thai food, family time with the Rubergs and McOmies, and at least 1 or 2 happy hours a week with friends. 

We've been able to get some really fun times in lately. Our first weekend together (after much prodding from Eric) I joined the famously outdoorsy McOmie men for my first hunting experience. It wasn't super strenuous, much to my delight. It was an early departure time of 6am, so I just parked myself in the backseat with my cozy sweater and pillow, expecting to take a few naps over what I thought would be several hours of driving around the hunting property. 

Within 30 minutes, Eric's now expert-sniper eyes spotted a few elk. We were instantly trailing them, and minutes after, Eric sprung out of the pickup with his rifle ready. Faster than I could blink, the hunt was over.

The experience was definitely eye-opening! On one hand, it's somewhat unsettling to see such a beautiful animal die. On the other hand, food. An ethical, healthy way to feed multiple people for a year straight. Winning. So, after the following weekend of Grant (Eric's dad) filling his own elk tag, we now are looking at over 700 pounds of elk meat. Feel free to submit your request for donations. There will be plenty to give away!

In the more recent past, we've had an excellent time with friends and family. Plenty of fun nights in, and a few late nights out. I'm having such a good time, that the countdown usually dominating my mind has been quieted. As of now, we're down to less than 2 months until Eric leaves. Every now and then, I'm reminded of that piece of information and the knot in my stomach returns. However, actually having Eric here distracts me from the fact that I'll be without him sooner than I care to acknowledge. I'm still concentrating on the present, because it's a wonderful one, indeed.

making plans.

I came across this photo above the other day on Pinterest. It's like it was speaking directly to me.

Over the years, I somehow became a "planner". Despite starting out as a laid-back child with a no-care-in-the-world attitude, life slowly shaped me into someone that relies on planning as a means to comfort and security.

During my childhood, my family moved around more than the average family. We started out in Bellevue, Washington, where I was born. We then moved to West Linn, Oregon and welcomed my little sister Madeline to the family. Shortly after we left for Cincinnati, Ohio, followed by Salt Lake City, Utah. Then, we moved back to West Linn, only to leave again for Boise, Idaho. My final move before college was to Sammamish, Washington. That makes for 7 moves: 7 houses, 6 cities, 5 states, and 10 schools.

I gained so much from this experience. I feel incredibly close with my family as a result, and I'm thankful for the perspective I gained through exposure to different areas of the country. However, the overwhelming lack of control I had over my own circumstances was somewhat scarring. Uprooting was easy as a young child, but felt devastating in the teenage years. All I wanted was to stay in one place, develop roots, and have a sense of "home". Unfortunately, that's tough to do when you come and go every couple of years. Fast forward to now: I'm in the early years of my adult life and have a very hard time with uncertainty, ambiguity, and relinquishing control.

Life has a funny way of making us confront our weaknesses. Sometimes it almost seems like the universe is chuckling to itself as it rudely forces us out of our comfort zones. Like one big ironic joke, we're hurled into situations in which we no choice but to overcome our weaknesses. Falling in love with a military man was the universe's ironic joke on me and my comfort zone. Nothing comes with quite the level of uncertainty, ambiguity, and lack of control that military life does.

Being a military girlfriend has pushed my boundaries more than I ever expected it would. Planning has new, unique challenges because of all of the time commitments and weekends/weeks/months away Eric has. Change is inevitable and frequent in the army, so it's not uncommon for those weekends/weeks/months to be rescheduled and completely debunk plans I've made. At first, this enraged me. I would truly lose it when I would plan something exciting, only to have a drill date change and ruin the plan.

Slowly, I've been learning to let go. After being involved in the lifestyle for over two years, I have found that my planning tendencies are more of a crutch than a productive use of time and energy. I've learned that I can't be entitled to Eric's time; to instead be grateful for the times I'm fortunate enough to spend with him. That's why the above quote: "over-planning kills magic". has been the sacred mantra I've repeated to myself throughout the start of our two-month chunk of time together. I sure wouldn't want to ruin our two months of magic.

Now, having said that, we've planned some really fun vacations. In April, we're heading to Colorado for a long weekend, and have a five-day east coast trip booked for May! Almost every weekend in these next two months is filled with some sort of adventure. So, I suppose the goal is to find that happy medium between clinging to plans like they're a lifeline, and sitting around doing nothing, watching the time pass us by. Further, to find the harmony in both seizing the day, and going with the flow. It's a process I've come to appreciate. Maybe i'll be brought back to my free-spirited roots, and find my old self within the journey of letting go.

weekend reunion.

It happened!

Eric came home! My man completed his 6-week intensive training. About half of the men who attended this school were sent home, but Eric graduated at the top of his group. That is such a rare and exclusive accomplishment, and I couldn't be more proud of him. 

On Friday around 11:30pm, I made my way to the PDX airport, parked the car, and anxiously awaited at security. A few moments later, I saw my man round the corner and our eyes met for the first time in what felt like forever. Within a couple seconds and after several quick steps, I was back in his arms, feeling right again.

Perry was so excited to see her dad!

The weekend was wonderful. I took Monday off of work, so we spent three whole days together. Most of our time was spent getting Eric caught up on the comforts of being home. That included sleep, TLC from Perry Pup and I, and lots of food. In the 6 weeks he was gone, he lost over 15 pounds. It shows. We made sure to eat everything, catch up on some good movies, and soak up all of each other's free moments. We also got a chance to spend some quality time with the McOmie family in Forest Grove. As always, that consisted of great company and delicious food. The weekend of excess consumption, visits with great friends, and relaxation was more than I could've hoped for. 

After our 3-day reunion, another week-long training pulled Eric back to the Army. Perspective turns out to be the silver lining here. A countdown of 5 days seems like nothing compared the 42-day countdown that was just endured. And for that, I'm so thankful.