blink.

I blinked. We're halfway through November.

I continue to be pleasantly surprised by the pace time seems to be moving at. The weeks, months, seasons-- they're passing by me. I had assumed time would crawl, that waiting for this year to pass would be brutal. Waiting for Eric's homecoming is still brutal, but the anticipation of the waiting turned out to be worse than the actual waiting.

This is partly because I've adjusted to life without Eric. Typing that out and saying it aloud feels cold, but it's true. I figured I had the choice to crumble this year, or to adjust and press on. My ability to press on is partly because I'm still remaining ignorant of the reality that Eric's living most of the time. Part of my coping method is straight-up denial of the gravity of what is actually happening. It helps the day-to-day pass more easily.

This coping method works for me a lot of the time. I just go on with my life, patiently waiting for Eric's return. He's fine, I'm fine, everything is fine, lah-dee-dah. That works most of the time. It fails to work when my denial is confronted by reality, like when Eric gives me an occasional head's-up. Something like, "Some bad things went down. You'll probably hear about it in a day or two. Just know my guys and I are ok".

We decided it would be best for me to hear these things from Eric's own mouth. A few months ago, there was an incident in which I heard about a group that was killed. They lived where Eric lives, they ran the same missions Eric runs. I read about the attack before any of the victims were identified, and it hit close to home. I had a full-on panic attack at my desk and was sent home from work. After that day, we decided that Eric would let me know he's ok when things are likely to filter back home through the news or social media. This method works best for us, it just tends to break my concentration on the "denial" piece for a moment.

Eric always chalks these instances and attacks up to "wrong place, wrong time". Becoming a victim over there is all about misfortune, a draw of bad luck. In other words, Eric's well-being completely hinges on luck and timing. If I let that notion sink into my brain, I can physically feel myself begin to unravel. So, I don't think about it. I deny the days away. I've gotten halfway through the deployment this way.

Halfway. Can you believe it?

We still don't know when Eric's coming home, but I like to think of May 1st as the day he'll be back. It could be before then, it could be after, but May 1st seems good a day as any to look forward to. I think in terms of "only 166 days until May 1st, 2015. 166 days ago, it was June 3rd. Eric was training in Idaho on June 3rd. That doesn't seem like that long ago, we just have to get through that same amount of time again, starting now". It's a fun little daily ritual. With every day that passes, there's an increasingly more recent memory to equate our remaining time to.

Maintaining my healthy sense of denial that I speak of sure takes effort, though! As I've mentioned before, I keep busy with work, friends, family, and planning for the future. The moments of laughter, purpose, normalcy and peace these bring continue to carry me through.

Just last weekend, I made my long-overdue first visit to the east coast to visit some very important people! I flew on over to D.C. and embarked on a much-needed adventure with one of my very best friends, Liberty. We stayed at her place for a night, and then woke up bright and early to "backpack" (a.k.a. rode a bus and the subway while wearing our backpacks) on up to New York to stay with one of my other best friends, Sara. Spending the weekend with these two was a dream come true. We had SO much fun, and got to spend time with my beautiful cousin Amber and some other awesome friends I've dearly missed. After a whirlwind 24 hours in Brooklyn, Lib and I headed back to D.C. and spent my last day touring our Capital. The whole trip was just what I needed; time full of good memories and even better people. I also took advantage of the 20+ travel hours to read Gone Girl. So good. I can't wait to see the movie.

Wedding planning continues to go at a blinding pace. I think it's become obvious that wedding planning is my #1 deployment distraction. I use this distraction a lot. We're still over 8 months out and I'm seriously running out of things to do. Sometimes when I'm bored, I tweak little things on our website, mchomies2015.com. Yes, weddings come with their own websites.

This week brought on the first flub of the wedding-- I put all the "save the dates" in the mail, and the post office decided to stamp all of our postcards on the wrong side, the artwork side. Eric's poor face was maimed with black ink smears on many of the postcards. It kind of looks like he has gang-related face tattoos, so maybe people think his tattoo habit just escalated badly. Maybe that's what I'll start telling people. I called the local post office to ask what the heck happened, and how to avoid the same blunder in the future, but all that I learned was, "Well, ma'am, it sounds like someone just messed up".

I have to admit, upon first hearing about this, I nearly fell into a bridezilla-like rage spiral. It was the first actual wedding-related thing that has been executed, and it went wrong. But, I took the moment to laugh, and recognize that things just don't go quite the way you expect them to. It's a good reminder that things will continue to occasionally go wrong, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's tough, because I believe in the "if you want something done right, do it yourself" philosophy, but there's only so much I can do myself. Every once in a while, I have to pass the baton, and trust strangers with wedding-related tasks. And strangers, such as USPS workers, are going to occasionally fail you. Now I know why the Tribbianis hate the post office so much. (Friends fans, anyone??)

My face while on the phone with USPS.

In happier and less trivial news, our honeymoon is officially on the calendar!! We'll be staying at this awesome boutique resort on Poipu Beach for seven days and seven nights in mid-August. All I'm thinking about is swimming in the ocean, hiking to waterfalls, eating sushi, drinking cocktails, and learning to surf, all with my in-the-flesh husband. I am so, SO excited.

9 more months 'til we're lying on two of those lounge chairs with drinks in hand.

Another blink and it will be Thanksgiving. Another one will bring us to Christmas, then New Years, then we'll be starting 2015. 2015! The year of Eric's return, the year of the wedding, the year we'll find a new home, a new way of life. 2015 will be the year Eric's contract with the National Guard will expire. (The 365-day countdown started yesterday!) It will be the year of travel to Atlanta, to Hawaii, to wherever else we decide to go at a moment's notice. 2015 is going to be a good, good year. Just a few more blinks to go.

season of change.

The rain that's currently making pellet-gun noises on my windows confirms it; "Oregon weather" has officially returned for the fall. I usually get nasty looks when I say this, but I love this time of year and the gray days that come with it. I guess after all that moving around I've done, Oregon really is where I belong.

I must still have an internal "academic year" clock, because back-to-school season always stirs up a sense of restlessness in me. Fall has a way of prompting me to check in with myself; to evaluate where I'm at, determine what I want out of life, and make steps get myself there.

As I begin this process of reflection, I chuckle thinking about how different of a place I'm in than I was just one year ago. Last year, I was thinking about how great and stable things were. I was enjoying my new apartment, the one Eric had just moved into after wrapping up a job in Corvallis. I was thinking about how wonderful it was that Obama was bringing all our troops out of Afghanistan by the end of 2014, and quietly celebrating the notion that Eric may not have to deploy after all. I was anticipating my dad's retirement; how he'd finish up his final months at Proctor & Gamble, move out his little Seattle apartment, and my parents would be reunited in the Lake Oswego house that they had purchased early with their retirement in mind. I was thankful for my new job, and enjoying spending forty hours each week with these two friends that I called my boss and coworker. I was thinking of how much I enjoyed being Eric's girlfriend, but that I'd enjoy being his fiance even more.

It really is remarkable how much can change in just one year. 

So, life looks a little different, and a different life means new routines, new priorities, and new challenges. But, what better time than this season of change to fine-tune my new way of life? 

Always on the forefront of my mind is my mission to continue enduring this deployment with as much grace and strength as possible. I'm realizing that in my preparation for the deployment, I set expectations for what would serve me as helpful and what would be unnecessary. Many of my expectations were correct, but some were wrong. 

I originally thought that being as involved as possible in "army world" would be helpful. I thought it would connect me with others like me that could empathize and provide guidance and camaraderie. In my experience, I have actually found that involvement in family readiness groups and other military family networks hasn't been so helpful. I'm a little annoyed at my own lack of desire to be more involved in the community, but I just can't force it. I've found that being connected with others that are also experiencing some of the hardest times of their lives can be heavy and chaotic for me. The more involved I get, the further down the stress-and-self-pity-hole I go. That's not to say that I haven't connected with some other military wives and girlfriends, because I have. There are some awesome people out there in the exact same boat as I'm in, and it's nice to talk with them from time to time. But, I'm luckily blessed with many very supportive people outside of the military world, and frankly, it's just easier for me to cling onto those relationships than make new ones right now. I've found the best thing for me is to surround myself with the people that I already know and love; the ones that know and love me back. No, they don't necessarily know my situation, and they don't know what military life is like, but they don't need to. 

However, if any military wife or girlfriend comes to me in the future seeking advice, I will most definitely suggest they reach out to their FRG Groups and explore getting involved in the community. I think I'm fairly unique in not finding comfort through involvement. I think everyone should at least try out being involved, and if it's not for you, there's nothing wrong in finding support through the resources you already have. My lack of involvement also stems from the fact that Eric and I don't have much time left in the military world. I've mentioned before that Eric's contract is up in November 2015, only a few months after his return home. Once this deployment is over, we're pretty much out of that life forever. So to me, attempting to integrate into the lifestyle isn't justified.

One of the best things I've done for myself since the whole start of this deployment mess has been starting up an exercise routine again. I say "again" because up until a couple months ago, I was actually pretty much sedentary for two years. They were the best two years of my life, full of Netflix and mac & cheese, but I digress. I discovered Barre 3 through some sorority friends right before Eric left, and I'm super thankful I did because it's about the only workout in the world that I like enough to stick with. I'm going about four times per week, and I feel great about it. I don't know if I see any physical results at this point, but I love that I have something to challenge myself with; something that is both physically and mentally healthy. It's like a therapy for me. 

Of course, my other source of therapy is my actual therapy. I just started seeing a counselor about a month ago, and that routine has been very helpful as well. It's actually the first time I've ever found counseling to be effective. I have been to counselors in the past, but I've always had a hard time sticking with it. It's not that I'm ashamed to go or feel that it's unnecessary, it's just that I've always found myself sitting in front of impersonal strangers that just repeat everything I say to them back to me, but with a calming tone. That's never been helpful for me. Eric and I even saw a counselor a couple months before he left to see if we could get some helpful tips or tricks on how to remain strong through a deployment. The woman we met with really didn't know what to do with us, and we stopped going after the second meeting. I think we were probably one of the first couples she ever met with that was seeking "proactive" counseling for a problem that hadn't yet occurred. But, that's always been my objective when seeking counseling-- to find someone that can help me (and us) be productive about the situation at hand, I don't want to just wallow in it. Thankfully, I have found that, and feel like I'm working to take control of my own happiness. It's a very empowering feeling.

What else am I doing to keep sane? Oh, the regular. I work my 8-5 (I did get promoted recently--yay!), I go to my weekly happy hours, I peruse "Style Me Pretty" on the daily, I interact with Perry like she's my human child, I participate in "girls night" every Thursday, I keep up with The Mindy Project, American Horror Story: Freakshow, and SNL, I obsessively listen to Lana Del Rey, I collect little what-nots for Eric's monthly care package, I buy myself flowers every chance I get, and I plan the hell out of our wedding.

I guess I'm finding there's no special formula for getting through a tough time. I'm just doing what I can to take control over my outlook on the situation at hand; the one I had no control over in the first place. It's a challenging pursuit, but dammit, I'm trying. I may lose sight of the positive when things like Eric's downstairs neighbor accidentally unloading a firearm directly into his mattress happen (yes, that actually happened, no, Eric was miraculously not in bed at the time), but with every close-call or nervous breakdown, I smell the bundle of roses on my dresser, push myself a little harder in Barre 3, and remind myself that we're one day closer. 

Speaking of the man himself, the one I'm one day closer to seeing, he's doing just fine. He's still witty as can be, and somehow his sense of humor is even more on-point than ever. Many of you have asked me for his address, which is awesome. If anyone reading this wants to send him some love, please feel free to ask me how! Receiving mail is an absolute day/week/month-brightener over there. When Eric isn't dodging bullets shot into his own mattress, he's working and doing daily-doubles at the gym on base. He's getting pretty beefy, as if he had any room to be more attractive. Also, if any of you are brainstorming welcome home gifts, he's become quite fixated on mini-pigs. Yes, actual miniature pigs that you keep as pets. He really thinks Perry would be a good big sister to a tiny oinker. Just a suggestion.

And with that, I'm onto making my most important decision of the day: gold or silver chargers with the place settings? I know, it's a doozy. 

Perry stares at me like this the entire time I type up these blogs, FYI.

taking stock.

I think I've come to the conclusion that October is my favorite month of the year. Oregon Octobers are beautiful like nothing else I've seen. They stay warm and sunny (usually), but the season's changes come in full-swing, and it's hard not to fall in love with the surroundings. However, this year it's been a difficult month to remain completely upbeat through. Autumn is a time that especially reminds me of Eric and our relationship. Eric and I started dating in October. We had our first kiss on a bench in a park on a weekend night around 2am in October. We got to know each other in October. We bought Perry in October. Our best beach trips have been in October. I guess this month is just one that I especially want Eric around for. October has always been a month of celebration, and one that tends to make me reflect on all the good going on in my life. This year I am still reflecting on all the good in my life, but I'm also painfully aware of what (who) is missing as well.

In the spirit of reflecting, I thought I'd try something new out. I've seen a few other blogger friends compose these "taking stock" entries, and I want to give it a shot. Maybe I'll make it a regular thing, who knows. I hope everyone is having a wonderful start to the new season! 

Bookmarking: Lots and lots of wedding inspiration.

Cooking: not much. Eggs, sometimes.

Drinking: tea. Always tea. And water.

Enjoying: quiet time, and getting back into an exercise routine.

Hoping: for strength, composure, perspective, peace, and a centered mind. 

Feeling: apprehensive, flustered, impatient, grateful.

Following: PLENTY of wedding blogs. Style Me Pretty is my new addiction. 

Giggling: at Perry. She's constantly brightening my days.

Knowing: The more I learn, the less I know.

Liking: my new room in my dad's place. There's these cool beams and arches, and it's unique and homey.

Looking: at old photos.

Loving: technology. Thank goodness for texting, Skype, and the abundance of wireless internet. 

Making: mine and Eric's wedding website! I'm no web designer, but I'm really digging it so far.

Marveling: at the happiness and growth of so many of my friends. I've witnessed marriages, engagements, new jobs, new homes, I am so happy to witness such wonderful times for wonderful people.

Needing: energy to adjust, endure, and remain positive.

Noticing: little changes in my personality and tendencies. Before filling in my "taking stock" entries, I re-arranged the categories in alphabetical order. That is so not me.

Opening: an Amazon Prime delivery. Yay for herbal supplements. 

Playing: Netflix. Obviously.

Reading: I just started "Gone Girl". I'm losing momentum though, I need to keep at it.

Smelling: cinnamon/vanilla wax melts.

Thinking: about how 2014 has been quite the year of change for me. Moving, the deployment, the engagement, the marriage, the divorce of my parents, and changes at work. I'm so looking forward to 2015, I am hoping for it to be the year of celebration.

Waiting: For my man to come home.

Wanting: Ditto "waiting".

Wasting: time. But, I've heard that time enjoyed wasting is not wasted at all. I couldn't agree more.

Wearing: my engagement ring, a bracelet Eric had made for me, a necklace Eric had made for me; the three things I wear every day. The rest is just clothes.

Wishing: ....at the risk of being redundant, I'm wishing for someone to safely return.

Wondering: how recent changes at work are going to play out.

the thick of it.

As of today, we are about six weeks into the "boots on ground" portion of Eric's deployment. We're in the thick of it. For these six weeks, life has been about deep breaths, white-knuckling, and taking things one day at a time. I'm not sure how things will change and progress from here, but so far I have already been confronted with challenges that have never before appeared in my relationship with Eric; challenges I didn't foresee coming. And so, this process is truly one learning, adapting, resiliency, grace, and patience-- easier said than done.

I had been warned from other military wives that things would be rough, especially at the beginning. However, I didn't know what that warning really meant. Would it just be the fact that I'd miss him? Would the main challenge stem from doing everything on my own, and continuing on with life without my husband for an entire year? Would it be about going to bed alone at night while wondering what he's doing on the other side of the globe? These are the kinds of challenges I expected and prepared for. In my ignorant pre-deployment brain, I didn't have the capacity to grasp just how complex and unique the challenges coming our way would be.

Simply put, deployments go beyond being forced into a state of "missing each other". Deployments completely derail the ways that you operate as a couple. Deployments take away your means of prioritizing and maintaining a healthy relationship almost entirely.

During a deployment, the biggest and most important priority is the physical, mental and emotional well-being of the deployed soldier. It is absolutely imperative that during a time of incredible lack of safety, comfort, and certainty, the person deployed is supported to the utmost degree by any means possible. The person back at home doesn't have much control over their soldier's physical well-being, but we most certainly have a large part in maintaining mental and emotional well-being through our communications. The general rule is that communications should always be positive, encouraging, and supportive. What I have learned, is that this shift in prioritization almost inherently means that the needs of the person at home and the relationship itself are put on the back-burner. It's just the reality of the process.

I have to admit, I'm almost ashamed to acknowledge how hard it has been for me to be a selfless, consistent source of positivity for my husband in this time. I'm learning how difficult it is to give all of your energy and love to a partner that is temporarily unable to reciprocate at the same level, all while experiencing your own adversity on the homefront. It turns out, selflessness to this degree is not my strong suit, because it's not something that has ever been required of me. I realized how much of a challenge this would be for me when I experienced my first emotional day of the deployment. Eric had also had a hard day, and he was hoping a conversation with me would raise his spirits and strengthen his motivation. It was the first time I had heard his voice after his arrival to his base, and I was determined to make this rare chance to actually talk on the phone a positive one for him. The entire time I spoke with him, I was trying my hardest to be uplifting while choking back tears. I was only able to keep that going for a few minutes before breaking down, further dampening his day, and unintentionally putting him in a position where he needed to comfort me. It's an incredibly complicated situation, because as bad as I feel about this situation I find myself in, Eric has it exponentially worse. As much as I need comfort and consolation, he needs it more. Any deployed soldier has enough on their plate without taking on the burden of assuring everyone at home that things will be fine. I know this, yet successfully being the "rock" I want to be for him seems to be beyond my grasp in many of the moments that require me to step up.

What I'm trying to say, is that I'm chaotically stumbling through this process, learning as i go, and making a lot of mistakes along the way.

It's hard to describe accurately what this all feels like. My relationship with my husband is the most rewarding, amazing relationship in my life. But during a deployment, most of of the things that make our relationship rewarding and amazing are taken away and put on hold, only to be experienced again after a safe return and successful re-acclimation. For now, the only real way we are able to express love to each other is through the words we say and write. Words are important, and luckily for me, Eric is wonderful with words. It's actually incredibly impressive how he fulfills many of my relationship needs through his words alone. Words will get us through this year, but words aren't enough to sustain a relationship long-term. While we do our best with what we have, we are still enduring a year without being in each other's presence. We're enduring year without looking into each other's eyes as we talk about the events of our days, and a year without cuddling, holding hands, kissing, or any form of physical interaction. It's a year without coming home to a fancy meal, or a silly note written on the fridge. It's a year without movie nights, pillow talk, inside jokes, mundane errands, or surprise weekend trips. The real beauty of our relationship is stolen for an entire year, while one of us flirts with disaster in a warzone.

But, here's the kicker-- enduring a deployment is even more than all the things I've mentioned above. On top of not getting your relationship needs met for an entire year, it's suppressing feelings and thoughts you desperately need to express, because actually voicing them will do more harm than good. It's a year of being confronted with horrific news updates and panicking, waiting for a text while praying it wasn't him that was injured or killed. It's feeling heartbroken for those who already won't be coming home, while simultaneously feeling guilty that you're thankful it wasn't him. It's a year of deciding whether or not to take the rare chance to Skype each other, because it's a tough day, and making your miserable state known to your person will make things worse. It's a year of miscommunications because you can only text for the next several days. It's a year of not being able to resolve those miscommunications, because addressing relationship hiccups can't be a priority. It's a year of not knowing what my husband is doing because he's not able to tell me. It's a year of watching him detach from his real life more and more the longer he's there. It's a year of fear, confusion, resentment, heartache, despair, and uncertainty.

I have good days and bad days. The worst days make me feel like I'm kidding myself, that I'll never get through this. The worst days shake my motivation. On my worst days, all of my energy goes into willing myself not to break down and sob at my desk at work. But, the best days remind me that I'm earning something. The best days remind me why I'm doing this, why the man I've married is the best man in the world for me. The best days renew my motivation.

It's likely I will get flack for posting this uncharacteristically negative string of thoughts. I realize that what I'm saying potentially presents military relationships in a negative way, and I apologize if anyone is offended by the way I describe my experience. I don't speak for all military relationships, only my own. Regardless, I'm sure what I've said has the potential of making people think twice before embarking on such a pursuit, but I think that's good. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy, and I think it's probably best for people to be aware of what they're signing on for. As negative as this all sounds, it's my experience and it's real. I'm sure experiences vary. I know there are couples handling it much better than we are, but I also know there are couples taking the deployment much harder than we are. I just keep reminding myself how motivating the idea of bearing on and living on the other side of this god-forsaken year is. I'm working towards a life with my husband in which we've already overcome the worst of our days; a life in which our unique experiences give us the ability to not take our good fortune and mutual love for granted. I'm pushing on for that picket-fence-and-two-or-three kids-when-we're-in-our-thirties life with the most awesome man I know, because although it may sound mundane, a normal life with Eric sounds like the biggest gift life could throw my way. I may not be enduring this year with the most grace or positivity, but I know I'm still earning that normal life with Eric that I dream about every day.

so long, summer.

Hello, all! It's been a while since I've updated. So, get ready for a long-winded purge of thoughts.

The end of August was a whirlwind, and the dust has finally (kind of) settled. For the combined McOmie/Ruberg family, August is the infamous month of non-stop birthdays. Eric's mom, my dad, several cousins, my grandmother, Perry Pup, not to mention both Eric and myself all have August birthdays. It's truly a marathon month of celebration, which makes for an eventful summer each year.

Although I love other peoples' birthdays, I always have a hard time being completely on-board with celebrating my own. I've just felt a day of celebration for myself merely existing another year is kind of undeserved. But, this year it felt even more silly because of Eric's deployment. My husband is away in a country of unrest and turmoil, putting himself in risk every day just by being there, and I'm supposed to cut cake and open presents like everything is hunky-dory? I guess it just made me feel like the attention was misplaced. My family and friends always do their best to shirk my apathetic attitude every year, though, and this year was no different-- I had a great day becoming 24. Even though he's half a world away, Eric still managed to make me feel special. I came home to flowers and a lovely note on my doorstep, and opened up an Apple TV that he had sent his parents to give to me. My family and I spent the whole day together eating awesome food, opening fashionable gifts, ogling multi-million dollar houses at the Street of Dreams, and going out to a nice restaurant for dinner. That night also brought out my rowdy crowd of wonderful girlfriends, and they did an excellent job of making me feel like I was going on my 21-run all over again. It was awesome and awful all at the same time. This gal can't quite party like she used to.

Promptly following my pseudo 21-run, I woke up mere hours later to pick up my U-Haul and move out of the Wilsonville apartment into my dad's Lake Oswego house. That's right, after 6 years of not living with my family, I have moved back in with a parent! Huge shout out my family for helping me move all the heavy things. I didn't even ask them to help, they just asked me where and when to show up. Family rocks.

It's been a few weeks since I've moved in, and I still kind of feel like I'm just crashing at my dad's house. That's probably due to the fact that I haven't spent too much time at the house yet. It's also weird adjusting to a new home without Eric. But, it's super nice living with my dad again. I also love that my sister Maddie is still staying in the house for the remainder of her summer break. it's been like summer camp with the three of us home. Plus, it's so amazing that they've embraced a dog being back in their day-to-day lives, even though both of them are allergic. That takes some serious sacrifice. Perry Pup's quality of life has dramatically increased since moving. Now, she spends her days people/squirrel-watching from the deck, sun bathing, and roaming the house/yard with my dad and sister. That's quite the dramatic upgrade from being in a crate all day while I work, and I can tell she's much happier.

Even though I've only moved about 8 miles, starting a new routine has been a big part of the past few weeks. I'm used to going home every day for my lunch break since I've never worked more than 3 miles from where I live, so I actually have to be a grown-up and plan meals for myself ahead of time. In keeping with being a grown-up, I've also finally put an end to my two-year sedentary streak and have started an exercise routine. After being introduced through a couple sorority friends, I have signed on for Barre 3 classes! I'm committing to 4-5 workouts per week, and am really excited about it. It's kind of a spendy program, which makes me motivated to get my money's worth and actually go consistently. I'm excited to whip my butt back into working shape again. I've made it through my first week and have really enjoyed it so far.

Eric's birthday, only six days after mine, was his 27th. He spent it enduring a violent case of food poisoning (one that the base's dining hall dispersed to over 100 others), curled up on his twin bunk, located in the middle of one of the most volatile regions in the world. So, needless to say, it was not his best birthday. But, I am happy to say it will most definitely only go uphill from here, because I am 99% sure that Eric will never spend another birthday in a warzone. Although, If I let myself sit an stew for too long, I sink into my crazy-zone; the one brought on by thinking about the level of "suck" his birthday was, and how hopeless I was in making it any better. I'm trying to let it go and accept that it's just how these deployment things go. Unfortunately, they tend to take away your ability to be the partner in all the ways you want to be. One of my biggest challenges throughout this deployment has been finding a way to make a Eric feel loved and special on holidays, as well as the regular days. It's definitely been a learning process, but so far we've actually been doing a pretty solid job of keeping each other feeling loved from afar. Once I get some time and clarity, I'm planning on writing on the ways in which we're keeping our bond strong and healthy. So, stay tuned.

On a related note, Eric and I continue to be able to talk pretty much daily. Technology really is amazing. If it weren't for the time difference, I would have a hard time not feeling like he's just across the state. The fact that we're able to text each other consistently makes it feel like things are way more normal than they are. It's been somewhat of a catch-22, because that level of communication can mess with Eric's mind, and not allow him to truly immerse into his reality in Afghanistan. It's really hard to determine whether the normalcy of constant communication is worth the confusion. Sometimes it's yes, other times it's no. That's a whole additional concept that probably deserves it's own post as well. At this point, it's been about 4 months since the start of this whole deployment, and we have around 8 to go. We still don't have an end date, though. I know they can't legally keep him longer than July 19, 2015, though. So, there's that.

Sprinkled among the above events and thoughts and challenges have been many other things. I found and purchased my wedding dress, I went to the Pendleton Roundup with some of my best lady friends, visited family in Atlanta, partook in several happy hours with friends, and started watching The Office all over again on Netflix. I'm currently swooning over Pam & Jim's escalating friendship. He's about to dump Karen. It's getting good.

And to wrap up, here's a photo purge of the Roundup. Just 'cause I'm feeling fun.

boots on ground.

The past several weeks have been very eventful. I feel like I haven't had time to just sit and breathe, which is a blessing in a way. One of the best ways of protecting my sanity throughout this process is by remaining busy and not letting my brain catch up to the reality of my current situation.

For the most part, happy things are keeping me busy. Just last weekend, the much-anticipated Hogan wedding finally happened! I had the honor of being a bridesmaid for this occasion (and Eric was a from-afar groomsman), so between crafting nights, little wedding errands, the rehearsal dinner, and the actual wedding, that special little occasion took up much of my time in the best way. The wedding day was incredible. Madison and Tyler got married in such a beautiful location-- a hops farm in Aurora, OR. It was the perfect country setting. The event itself was so meaningful, too. The couple exchanged the most incredible vows I've ever heard, and hearing all of their loved ones make toasts and speeches was so heartwarming. Eric also had a presence there; their officiant mentioned Eric and his service in the first opening sentences of the ceremony. Eric was devastated he couldn't make it to the wedding, and prepared a recorded video toast for the couple to watch. We didn't bank on the video being shown at the actual reception, but Mad's family made it happen. They played Eric's toast as the last speech of the night, which was quite moving. I am so beyond thrilled for my two wonderful friends who, in my mind, have been mentally/emotionally/spiritually married for quite some time. These two are inspiring both as individuals and as a couple, and to witness their marriage was a huge privilege.

Major props to Katy Weaver for capturing the unbelievable spirit these two have. My heart bursts when I look at this picture.

I also have been keeping busy with planning our own wedding for next summer. It's less than a year away! All of our vendors are booked, so now the momentum of planning is kind of in a lull. Sometime it feels like a fake fantasy I'm working on since there's no groom in sight. But, Eric is doing a wonderful job contributing from afar in the ways he can. We've started bouncing around the idea of a honeymoon as well, I'm very excited to see where that conversation goes!

I also am currently moving out of my apartment into my dad's house in Lake Oswego. I'll be officially living there as of this weekend. Transferring my life to the LO house will mark my 7th consecutive annual move. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to get an itch to move every year of my life even after things settle down. This move will also mark the first time I've lived with either of my parents since high school. I'm a little nervous that Perry and I will drive my poor dad crazy, but I suspect it will go very well. Both my dad and I are going through pretty significant life changes right now, and neither of us were too keen on living alone through our respective situations. So, I'm glad we can be there for each other as family and as roommates this year.




Finally, the most impactful event for me; The goober to the left has arrived to his "home" for the next several months. In keeping with what the army tells me I'm safe to say, "boots on ground".

So far, we've learned that Eric has WiFi. Score. This alone will make enduring the deployment so much easier. Although we've suspended his data/cell plan, we can still Facetime, Skype, and use other apps we have to text. I also love that he can still use Instagram and Facebook. I know this sounds super millennial of me, but the fact he still has a social media presence makes me feel like we still have some sense of normalcy.We're not confident how often he'll be at his home base to use the internet, but the fact he has it at all is a major win.







We've already surpassed our previous record for the longest we've gone without seeing each other. Up until now, that record was six weeks. Now that stretch seems like child's play, because six weeks barely scratches the surface of what this deployment's timeline is. As of now, we still don't have a solid date to count down to. I'm crossing my fingers they don't hold him there past May, but we just don't know. In the meantime, the McOmie and Ruberg households are proudly displaying our deployment ribbons until he returns.

So, on my to-do list for now is simply to adjust. In keeping with how 2014 has gone for me thus far, I'm aiming to continue being flexible to the frequent changes that I'm going through, whether they're out of my control or not. Easier said than done, but I've gotten a lot of practice at this whole adjusting thing in the past few years, so bring it on, life!

they said "yes".

It's pretty much a well-known fact: us females would all be lost little souls without our lady friends. This statement somehow becomes even more true once you transition into the exciting, overwhelming, and manic world of bride-dom. The process of planning a wedding can be so harrying, and I fully intend on relying on my friends to get me through it with love. Cue The Beatles- "With a Little Help from My Friends".

It only took a day or two after Eric's proposal for me to start thinking about the women I wanted by my side on our wedding day. I always assumed I'd have a smaller bridal party, maybe three or four friends. It wasn't until I faced the reality of selecting my bridesmaids that I realized how impossible it would be for me to have only three or four. Let's be real, though, how awesome is it that that's the "problem" I faced? As I started to think about the ladies that have truly been there for me from the start of my relationship with Eric, I realized quickly that I am extremely blessed with so many wonderful friendships. Although I have dozens of friends that have been there for me throughout the years, I chose to ask a very particular group of women to be my bridesmaids. I asked the women that have truly gone above and beyond the definition of friendship over the past several years. I have laughed, cried, and bared my soul, secrets, and insecurities to these ladies, and still, they choose to continue being there for me time and time again. Not only that, but each of these ladies have also stolen Eric's heart, too! These are friends that will surely stay in my life for the decades to come-- of that, I have no doubt. They're so wonderful, in fact, that I want to dedicate a blog post to my NINE bridesmaids (Yes, NINE!! I told you I was blessed!). So, to all nine of you: I love you ladies more than you know, I feel so fortunate for the friendships I have with you all!

Maid of Honor: Madeline Marie Ruberg

Madeline Ruberg. 21. Senior at University of Oregon, studying Public Relations. Loves trashy reality TV, slow jams, and warm weather. The fact that Maddie is my Maid of Honor is no surprise, we've pretty much been planning on being each other's MOH's since learning what weddings are. Maddie is so much more than my sister; she really is my best friend. The first thing I did when I turned 18 was drive down to the seediest tattoo parlor in all of Seattle to get her initial etched behind my ear. Eventually, she did the same with mine. Maddie and I are the only two "kids" in the Ruberg family, so we naturally grew up very close. We relied on each other in the hard times, and reveled together in the happiest times. In the later years when the frequent moves became taxing for us, we adjusted to the new towns by being each other's only friends. She has carried me through the most vulnerable times of my life, and celebrated with me in the most happy times. She knows me better than I know myself. Maddie also happens to be the most thoughtful person I know. She spoils those she loves with everything she has to give, and I am so thankful that I happen to be her sister. Over the past few years, Maddie has truly adopted my new little family as her own, and Eric and I are so fortunate to have her love and support.

Bridesmaid: Abby Michelle Chambers

Abby Chambers. 24. Dietician Extraordinaire. Loves cowboy boots, whiskey, and Garth Brooks. Like many of my bridesmaids, Abby is a sorority sister of mine. We were in the same pledge class, so we met our freshman year at OSU. Upon moving into the KKG house sophomore year, her and I really clicked and became close friends. Abby is so down-to-earth, and has such a caring heart and compassionate soul. Not only that, but she's always down for a spontaneous good time. I'll never forget the time senior year that the two of us decided to skip our responsibilities and have our own little bar crawl on a weekday during Spring Term. We literally stopped by every bar on Monroe, and ended up dancing the night away at Impulse, the local college “club”, just the two of us. Whether it's a day together, weekend together, or an entire vacation together, it's always a blast. And somehow, our group always comes out of these weekends with a trademark “Abby quote” to commemorate it, such as, “it’s all down here from here”.  I also will be forever thankful to her for getting me in touch with my country side. Abby has an infectious laugh, and can out-tomboy the best of them. Seriously, challenge her to a belching contest. She'll beat you. 

Bridesmaid: Dallas Katherine Defrees

Dallas Defrees. 23. OMSI Camp Counselor that all the kids crush on. Loves microbrews, her ranch, and Harry Potter. Dallas is one of the best people I know. I just feel like I'm kindred spirits with her. I can't put a finger on why, but I seriously feel like Dallas and I have been best friends our whole lives. It's impossible for me to be around this lady and have a bad time. Dallas is one year younger than me, and I met her when she joined KKG my sophomore year. Throughout that year, our friendship grew to the point that we basically fell in love. The next year when she moved into the sorority house, our friendship blossomed even more and she became someone that I constantly sought out to do everything with. She's so laid-back, humble, adventurous, easy-going, smart, driven, kind, fun... I could keep going. One of my favorite terms living in the sorority house was during junior year when she and I became roommates. Even just hanging out and talking about nothing felt like the time of my life because she's so funny and awesome. She’s the type person that’s truly always there for her friends and listens when you need someone to talk to. She truly brings out the happiness in everyone, and I always feel like my best, most fun self when I'm with her. 

Bridesmaid: Dejia Elyse Morrell

Dejia Morrell. 25. Fashion Maven. Loves movies, saltwater taffy, and Beyonce. Dejia is by far the most unique friend I've ever had. Many people who are close to us giggle at our story of how we came into each other's lives so many years ago. I first knew of Dejia when I was 15 years old and living in Idaho. She went to the high school up the road from me, and somehow we learned that we were dating the same guy at the same time. So, naturally, we didn't start out as friends. Years later, I heard through the grapevine that we had both chosen to attend OSU. So, I reached out to her to see if we could put the past behind us and have each other as friendly faces in a place that would be new to both of us. We quickly became friends that first week in the dorms, ended up joining the same sorority, and the rest is history. This girl is one of the most fiercely loyal, fabulous, and sassy friends I've ever had. Dejia is always up for being lazy with me, I can't even count the number of movie nights (complete with winco bulk-candy runs) we have had. She calls it like she sees it and doesn't change for anybody, and I really love that about her. I love our silly piece of shared history, and how it luckily turned into a friendship I treasure. 

Bridesmaid: Liberty Rachma Pertiwi

Liberty Pertiwi. 23. Public Health Policy HBIC. Loves men in suits, coffee runs, and jet-setting. Liberty is the definition of a "sister friend". Like Abby, I met Liberty our freshman year when we both joined KKG. However, we didn't realize how destined we were to be “besties” until sophomore year. That year, Lib and I both moved into the sorority house a week early because of our on-campus jobs that we started in the late summer. So, there we were, just Liberty and I in a giant, empty sorority house. Naturally, we spent a lot of time together that week, and our friendship quickly blossomed into one of the closest I've ever had. Ever since, it's been her and I against the world. Some of the younger girls in the house even coined nicknames like "Libron" and "Libonica" because we've always been so attached at the hip. Liberty is also the reason Eric and I were introduced! She was friends with Eric's group of high school friends through leadership, and she's the reason our groups even got together for that fateful weekend trip to Pendleton. Even now that we're on opposite coasts from each other, we can't help but talk daily, constantly speak in inside jokes, and be continue to be "attached at the hip" from afar. 

Bridesmaid: MacKenzie Lambert Searles

Mackenzie Searles. 26. Master's in Anthropology. Loves intellectual discussions, holidays, and chocolate. Mack is just the best! This lady and I have become the female additions to the McOmie family. Mackenzie came first, as she has been in a relationship with Eric's older brother, Grant, for going on seven years! I met Mackenzie on a New Year’s Eve trip that her family hosted on Bainbridge Island back in the first few months of Eric and I dating. Ever since that trip, I have been so fortunate to have her as a friend in my new family. She has always been such a welcoming and friendly person, and is someone I always look forward to spending time with at McOmie family gatherings. This gal is as sharp as they come, and is always such a fun time; she's constantly starting games, competitions and conversation. She introduced me to Bocce Ball and Settlers of Catan, how can you now love that? Over the years, our friendship has grown into a relationship I feel so fortunate to have now, and for all of the years to come. 

Bridesmaid: Madison Christine (soon to be Hogan) Parker 

Madison Parker. 25. Just graduated with her Master's in Communication. Loves the women of SNL, open-mindedness, and pork. I'll always remember first meeting Madison. We were in the TV room at KKG, it was within the first couple weeks of us getting our bids. A group of us new members were sitting around introducing ourselves and trying to remember each other's names. When it came time for Mad to introduce herself, she just said "Hi, my name is Madison, and I have no cartilage in my nose". Then she proceeded to push down on her nose until it was completely flat. I already was sold. Then it came to be my turn to introduce myself, and after I said my name she blurted out, "Can I call you Ron Ron?" I responded with, "Only if I can call you Mad Mad". So, that's who we've been to each other since. We proceeded to become roommates at our live-out senior year, which brought on some of the best college memories I have. However, I think the real magic in our friendship happened after we graduated. Mad is engaged (married in less than a week!) to an awesome guy named Tyler, and Eric and I started spending a lot of time with them after graduation. Because of that, we've become especially close in these last few years, and I'm now wondering how we went so long without realizing how inseparable we're meant to be. Madison is someone who I constantly look to as a role model, because, deep in her core, she is a solid, good person. She's one of the very few people in this world that makes me want to actively better myself, and I'm so thankful for that.

Bridesmaid: Sara Anna Elizabeth Schumacher

Sara Schumacher. 24. Ingenious Graphic Designer. Loves adventure, late-night hangouts, and competition. My first memory of Sara was when we happened to be placed in the same "walking group" during recruitment freshman year. Anyone who knows Sara will tell you she's one of the most competitive people you'll ever meet, and I remember immediately feeling this sense of rivalry with her. I don't know what it was, but as soon as we found out we both wanted to be Kappas, there was an unspoken sense of, "oh, it's on" (ohhh, to be a freshman). Fast forward to bid day, Sara and I both open our bid cards, realize we both made it into the oh-so-coveted KKG, glance at each other across the room with ironic humor in our eyes, and our competitive fronts instantly melted. (for all of you counting, that's Abby, Dejia, Liberty, Madison, and Sara all from PC'08 in KKG!) Now thinking back on it I chuckle, because this girl can literally make "It’s December and I'll stick my hand out of the car longer than you will" a game. That first interaction with her is so true to who she is and the quirk I so love about her. Ever since then, Schu has been one of my dearest friends. She is completely adored and loved by so many because she is one of the most fun, spontaneous, and caring people you’ll find. She has touched so many lives and I feel blessed to be one of them. Any time with Sara is guaranteed to be wonderful memory, and I completely treasure the many memories we've made throughout the years. 



Bridesmaid: Sara Michelle Weaver

Sara Weaver. 24. Fabulous Interior Designer. Loves fashion, creativity, and city life. Sara has such a special place in my heart, because in an otherwise very difficult part of my life, she provided me with happiness, love, and laughter. I first met Sara during the first weeks after my transfer to Skyline High School in Sammamish, WA. She will have no problem telling you-- I was a scary little nightmare at first. So, for obvious reasons, our friendship didn't blossom immediately. However, both of us transferred to the local community college for our senior year, forgoing normal high school life. We ran into each other on campus one day, and it just clicked. In the final months leading up to our departure to our respective colleges, we spent so much time together and quickly grew a deep friendship. Even though Sara and I only spent about nine months being friends in the same town, we have continued to grow our friendship through the last six years of being long-distance friends! She has the most contagious smile, loving soul, compassionate heart, and is so thoughtful. She even returned my proposal to be my bridesmaid (which I sent via card) with an acceptance via flowers delivered to my desk at work. How amazing is that? No matter what, I know that Sara is there for me through thick and thin despite any distance that comes between us. 

...WHEW! There you have it folks. The nine ladies that will keep me sane and walk down that ailse with me next year. Am I lucky, or what?