three months, part two.

Just about a year ago, I wrote a blog post entitled "three months." It was inspired by a particular notification I got on my phone while I was out getting happy hour with friends. The notification read "3 months until deployment". That particular moment punched a deployment-sized fist in my gut, and I remember thinking that the next three months would be the shortest of my life. They did, in fact, turn out to be a very fleeting three months.

Today, I got a similar notification on my phone. This one read "3 months left of Deployment". It spurred an equally strong reaction as the other "three month" notification. This time though, I felt butterflies in my gut instead of a punch. My first thought was that these next three months will be the longest of my life.

So, three months. THREE MONTHS. We're getting there. Three months ago, it was the day after Halloween. I spent hours trying to get fake blood out of my hair. That doesn't seem too long ago.

At this point in the game, I'm constantly thinking about post-deployment life. I've started a to-do list of things Eric and I will do when he's back and things are finally back to normal. I think about things like going to the beach house he proposed at, trying this new restaurant I keep hearing about, camping with Perry, making him try a Kentucky Mule at this bar I just discovered, etc. These things could be happening in just a few short months. Generally, I'm feeling pretty positive.

For a long while, especially in the beginning, I really struggled with keeping positive. I had constant visions of the two men in uniform knocking on the door in the middle of the night. Every time Perry barked at the door, my stomach seized. I constantly refreshed my Google search for "Afghanistan News". I dwelled on articles detailing another young man's life ending too early.

Although this way of life was very rational considering the circumstances, it was toxic. It had to end. I don't know how I did it, but I snapped out of it, and have come to a place of peace an positivity as of late. Maybe it just took time. Maybe it's the fact that 6 months have passed and things are still ok. To be brutally honest though, I just think it took getting to a place of denial, because that is most definitely what is happening right now. I am in in denial. My husband is in Afghanistan, and there's nothing I can do about it, so I pretend he's not there. I get to talk to Eric (via text) pretty much daily, and he still has the same wonderful sense of humor and personality, so if I don't think about things too hard, it just feels like we're in some run-of-the-mill long-distance relationship. I still am not sure if how I'm coping is the healthiest, but I also haven't found any other way of going about it that works for me. So, to all the other military wives out there, I'm open to suggestions. Until those brilliant suggestions roll in though, I'm sticking with what works. I imagine the "denial method" won't stay useful once the re-acclimation period comes, but we'll cross that bridge when it comes.

In the meantime, to celebrate the 3-month countdown, here's a "taking stock" update. Happy February, everyone!

Bookmarking: places and spaces to explore in Kauai. Honeymoon in T-6.5 months!

Cooking: Winter En Papillote, an awesome salmon dish. 

Drinking: tea, as always.

Enjoying: Barre3. I love the results I'm seeing in my body, and the peace it brings my mind.

Hoping: that three months flies.

Feeling: impatient, excited, hopeful.

Following: some new artsy accounts on Instagram. I wish I was more creative.

Giggling: at Broad City, I just started watching it.

Knowing: that I am very fortunate.

Liking: our new bed frame! I got a smokin' deal from my cousin.

Looking: at pictures of myself in my wedding dress.

Loving: my husband and his ability to make me feel loved in the most challenging of circumstances.

Making: our wedding registry! This is dangerous for me, though. It's combining my love on online shopping with my second love of not spending any money. It's getting a little excessive.

Marveling: at just how good healthy can taste.

Needing: nothing. I believe I have everything I need.
Noticing: my own personal growth.

Opening: my bag of longan berries. My new, very expensive addiction.

Playing: Lana Del Rey, my go-to.

Reading: an interesting article about another American sniper's experience in Iraq.

Smelling: Perry's stinky breath.

Thinking: about the not-so-distant future.

Waiting: for May 2015.

Wanting: an unlimited shopping budget for Lululemon.

Wasting: brainpower on things I can't control.

Wearing: only cozy things.

Wishing: Eric and I could move into the house we fell in love with on Zillow.

Wondering: where Eric and I will end up when he returns. The world is our oyster. 

light at the end of the tunnel.

Hello, badly neglected blog of mine. I'm returning to you with my tail tucked between my legs. Sorry for ignoring you.

It's been a little over two months since I have updated. This is partly because the holidays were busy, and time got away from me, and blah blah blah. Mostly though, I have just been avoiding this online public journal I once committed to producing.

These days I rely on keeping my head down, willing the time away, and trying not to think too hard about life's current circumstances. I have realized that taking the time to actually reflect on what's happening and expressing how I feel about what's happening interferes with the whole "not thinking too hard" thing. I just get so content with my day-to-day hustle and bustle and the blissful ignorance it allows me to carry, that it becomes very convenient to just...not write. In fact, writing feels somewhat taxing. I even had to take a few breaks during the construction of this post (over the course of a week... whoops), because sitting down and organizing my thoughts about how things are going is pretty overwhelming.

But, here I am, because I think I owe myself to carry on with this blogging project. I'm already a little bummed that I let two months of time go undocumented, and I don't want to quit here.

The holidays were fine, considering how unusual 2014 was. My husband is in the planet's ass crack while the family of four I grew up in took a stab at our first holiday season after establishing that an era has indeed come to an end. I have to hand it to my parents, despite the uncomfortable awkwardness that comes with being in the midst of a divorce, they really held it together for everyone and made the time we spent together enjoyable. My mom attended the Thanksgiving day my dad hosted, and she also made an appearance on Christmas morning before jetting off to Atlanta to be with her parents and sister's family. I got to spend time with some other local family members as well over the holidays, so things were just fine.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had a few packages under the tree from the man abroad himself, and even happier to discover that my Christmas package arrived to him on time. Being able to FaceTime with Eric during his Christmas morning and watching him open packages from myself, his parents, and my family was enough to melt my Grinch heart into a puddle.

This was my second year spending holiday time with my McOmie family, which has become such an important tradition for me already. We had our own round of Christmas celebration on New Years Day which was spent watching the Rose Bowl, eating McOmie comfort food, and exchanging gifts. It was really fulfilling spending my first year as a McOmie with my in-laws. I really love having a whole new family on top of my already awesome one I was born into. I really do feel very lucky to have all of these wonderful relatives in my life.

So, now we're in the long-awaited year of 2015! This is where the "keeping my head down and willing time away" thing comes in handy. Although we're in the year I've been praying to arrive, there's still a fair amount of waiting to be done and i'm feeling really impatient.

We recently got word of when Eric can expect to be sent home. Although I can't write it here, the countdown is down to less than 4 months. That number feels very manageable, and I love having a date to actually count down to. The light at the end of the tunnel is just now starting to become visible. We still get to text message quite a bit, and we usually talk about what life is going to be like when he gets back-- where we may live, what kind of job he may get, what kind of house we want, what kind of dog we want to add to our family, how fun the wedding and honeymoon is going to be, etc. There really is so much to look forward to.

Speaking of, I've still been a wedding planning machine! Between work, regularly attending barre3 classes, and spending time with my loved ones, planning the wedding is still one of my very favorite hobbies. It's been an unofficial goal to have everything done by the time Eric is home, and I'm very much on-track to have that happen. Hopefully, that way we can spend our long-overdue time together concentrating on things other than wedding chaos.

As I reflect over the past few months, I do feel very thankful for those who have been there for both Eric and I. It's been a strange time for me, and I do recognize that I haven't been there for all the people I love in my life the way I'm normally able to. I do feel guilty for that. However, I think times like these reveal the people that are truly dependable in hard times, and I am seeing that Eric and I have many people to be thankful for. Thank you, wonderful people. One day I'll find a way to individually show my appreciation for each of you, but for now, just know we're so thankful.

Happy 2015 everyone, I hope everyone is having a wonderful start to the new year!

blink.

I blinked. We're halfway through November.

I continue to be pleasantly surprised by the pace time seems to be moving at. The weeks, months, seasons-- they're passing by me. I had assumed time would crawl, that waiting for this year to pass would be brutal. Waiting for Eric's homecoming is still brutal, but the anticipation of the waiting turned out to be worse than the actual waiting.

This is partly because I've adjusted to life without Eric. Typing that out and saying it aloud feels cold, but it's true. I figured I had the choice to crumble this year, or to adjust and press on. My ability to press on is partly because I'm still remaining ignorant of the reality that Eric's living most of the time. Part of my coping method is straight-up denial of the gravity of what is actually happening. It helps the day-to-day pass more easily.

This coping method works for me a lot of the time. I just go on with my life, patiently waiting for Eric's return. He's fine, I'm fine, everything is fine, lah-dee-dah. That works most of the time. It fails to work when my denial is confronted by reality, like when Eric gives me an occasional head's-up. Something like, "Some bad things went down. You'll probably hear about it in a day or two. Just know my guys and I are ok".

We decided it would be best for me to hear these things from Eric's own mouth. A few months ago, there was an incident in which I heard about a group that was killed. They lived where Eric lives, they ran the same missions Eric runs. I read about the attack before any of the victims were identified, and it hit close to home. I had a full-on panic attack at my desk and was sent home from work. After that day, we decided that Eric would let me know he's ok when things are likely to filter back home through the news or social media. This method works best for us, it just tends to break my concentration on the "denial" piece for a moment.

Eric always chalks these instances and attacks up to "wrong place, wrong time". Becoming a victim over there is all about misfortune, a draw of bad luck. In other words, Eric's well-being completely hinges on luck and timing. If I let that notion sink into my brain, I can physically feel myself begin to unravel. So, I don't think about it. I deny the days away. I've gotten halfway through the deployment this way.

Halfway. Can you believe it?

We still don't know when Eric's coming home, but I like to think of May 1st as the day he'll be back. It could be before then, it could be after, but May 1st seems good a day as any to look forward to. I think in terms of "only 166 days until May 1st, 2015. 166 days ago, it was June 3rd. Eric was training in Idaho on June 3rd. That doesn't seem like that long ago, we just have to get through that same amount of time again, starting now". It's a fun little daily ritual. With every day that passes, there's an increasingly more recent memory to equate our remaining time to.

Maintaining my healthy sense of denial that I speak of sure takes effort, though! As I've mentioned before, I keep busy with work, friends, family, and planning for the future. The moments of laughter, purpose, normalcy and peace these bring continue to carry me through.

Just last weekend, I made my long-overdue first visit to the east coast to visit some very important people! I flew on over to D.C. and embarked on a much-needed adventure with one of my very best friends, Liberty. We stayed at her place for a night, and then woke up bright and early to "backpack" (a.k.a. rode a bus and the subway while wearing our backpacks) on up to New York to stay with one of my other best friends, Sara. Spending the weekend with these two was a dream come true. We had SO much fun, and got to spend time with my beautiful cousin Amber and some other awesome friends I've dearly missed. After a whirlwind 24 hours in Brooklyn, Lib and I headed back to D.C. and spent my last day touring our Capital. The whole trip was just what I needed; time full of good memories and even better people. I also took advantage of the 20+ travel hours to read Gone Girl. So good. I can't wait to see the movie.

Wedding planning continues to go at a blinding pace. I think it's become obvious that wedding planning is my #1 deployment distraction. I use this distraction a lot. We're still over 8 months out and I'm seriously running out of things to do. Sometimes when I'm bored, I tweak little things on our website, mchomies2015.com. Yes, weddings come with their own websites.

This week brought on the first flub of the wedding-- I put all the "save the dates" in the mail, and the post office decided to stamp all of our postcards on the wrong side, the artwork side. Eric's poor face was maimed with black ink smears on many of the postcards. It kind of looks like he has gang-related face tattoos, so maybe people think his tattoo habit just escalated badly. Maybe that's what I'll start telling people. I called the local post office to ask what the heck happened, and how to avoid the same blunder in the future, but all that I learned was, "Well, ma'am, it sounds like someone just messed up".

I have to admit, upon first hearing about this, I nearly fell into a bridezilla-like rage spiral. It was the first actual wedding-related thing that has been executed, and it went wrong. But, I took the moment to laugh, and recognize that things just don't go quite the way you expect them to. It's a good reminder that things will continue to occasionally go wrong, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's tough, because I believe in the "if you want something done right, do it yourself" philosophy, but there's only so much I can do myself. Every once in a while, I have to pass the baton, and trust strangers with wedding-related tasks. And strangers, such as USPS workers, are going to occasionally fail you. Now I know why the Tribbianis hate the post office so much. (Friends fans, anyone??)

My face while on the phone with USPS.

In happier and less trivial news, our honeymoon is officially on the calendar!! We'll be staying at this awesome boutique resort on Poipu Beach for seven days and seven nights in mid-August. All I'm thinking about is swimming in the ocean, hiking to waterfalls, eating sushi, drinking cocktails, and learning to surf, all with my in-the-flesh husband. I am so, SO excited.

9 more months 'til we're lying on two of those lounge chairs with drinks in hand.

Another blink and it will be Thanksgiving. Another one will bring us to Christmas, then New Years, then we'll be starting 2015. 2015! The year of Eric's return, the year of the wedding, the year we'll find a new home, a new way of life. 2015 will be the year Eric's contract with the National Guard will expire. (The 365-day countdown started yesterday!) It will be the year of travel to Atlanta, to Hawaii, to wherever else we decide to go at a moment's notice. 2015 is going to be a good, good year. Just a few more blinks to go.

season of change.

The rain that's currently making pellet-gun noises on my windows confirms it; "Oregon weather" has officially returned for the fall. I usually get nasty looks when I say this, but I love this time of year and the gray days that come with it. I guess after all that moving around I've done, Oregon really is where I belong.

I must still have an internal "academic year" clock, because back-to-school season always stirs up a sense of restlessness in me. Fall has a way of prompting me to check in with myself; to evaluate where I'm at, determine what I want out of life, and make steps get myself there.

As I begin this process of reflection, I chuckle thinking about how different of a place I'm in than I was just one year ago. Last year, I was thinking about how great and stable things were. I was enjoying my new apartment, the one Eric had just moved into after wrapping up a job in Corvallis. I was thinking about how wonderful it was that Obama was bringing all our troops out of Afghanistan by the end of 2014, and quietly celebrating the notion that Eric may not have to deploy after all. I was anticipating my dad's retirement; how he'd finish up his final months at Proctor & Gamble, move out his little Seattle apartment, and my parents would be reunited in the Lake Oswego house that they had purchased early with their retirement in mind. I was thankful for my new job, and enjoying spending forty hours each week with these two friends that I called my boss and coworker. I was thinking of how much I enjoyed being Eric's girlfriend, but that I'd enjoy being his fiance even more.

It really is remarkable how much can change in just one year. 

So, life looks a little different, and a different life means new routines, new priorities, and new challenges. But, what better time than this season of change to fine-tune my new way of life? 

Always on the forefront of my mind is my mission to continue enduring this deployment with as much grace and strength as possible. I'm realizing that in my preparation for the deployment, I set expectations for what would serve me as helpful and what would be unnecessary. Many of my expectations were correct, but some were wrong. 

I originally thought that being as involved as possible in "army world" would be helpful. I thought it would connect me with others like me that could empathize and provide guidance and camaraderie. In my experience, I have actually found that involvement in family readiness groups and other military family networks hasn't been so helpful. I'm a little annoyed at my own lack of desire to be more involved in the community, but I just can't force it. I've found that being connected with others that are also experiencing some of the hardest times of their lives can be heavy and chaotic for me. The more involved I get, the further down the stress-and-self-pity-hole I go. That's not to say that I haven't connected with some other military wives and girlfriends, because I have. There are some awesome people out there in the exact same boat as I'm in, and it's nice to talk with them from time to time. But, I'm luckily blessed with many very supportive people outside of the military world, and frankly, it's just easier for me to cling onto those relationships than make new ones right now. I've found the best thing for me is to surround myself with the people that I already know and love; the ones that know and love me back. No, they don't necessarily know my situation, and they don't know what military life is like, but they don't need to. 

However, if any military wife or girlfriend comes to me in the future seeking advice, I will most definitely suggest they reach out to their FRG Groups and explore getting involved in the community. I think I'm fairly unique in not finding comfort through involvement. I think everyone should at least try out being involved, and if it's not for you, there's nothing wrong in finding support through the resources you already have. My lack of involvement also stems from the fact that Eric and I don't have much time left in the military world. I've mentioned before that Eric's contract is up in November 2015, only a few months after his return home. Once this deployment is over, we're pretty much out of that life forever. So to me, attempting to integrate into the lifestyle isn't justified.

One of the best things I've done for myself since the whole start of this deployment mess has been starting up an exercise routine again. I say "again" because up until a couple months ago, I was actually pretty much sedentary for two years. They were the best two years of my life, full of Netflix and mac & cheese, but I digress. I discovered Barre 3 through some sorority friends right before Eric left, and I'm super thankful I did because it's about the only workout in the world that I like enough to stick with. I'm going about four times per week, and I feel great about it. I don't know if I see any physical results at this point, but I love that I have something to challenge myself with; something that is both physically and mentally healthy. It's like a therapy for me. 

Of course, my other source of therapy is my actual therapy. I just started seeing a counselor about a month ago, and that routine has been very helpful as well. It's actually the first time I've ever found counseling to be effective. I have been to counselors in the past, but I've always had a hard time sticking with it. It's not that I'm ashamed to go or feel that it's unnecessary, it's just that I've always found myself sitting in front of impersonal strangers that just repeat everything I say to them back to me, but with a calming tone. That's never been helpful for me. Eric and I even saw a counselor a couple months before he left to see if we could get some helpful tips or tricks on how to remain strong through a deployment. The woman we met with really didn't know what to do with us, and we stopped going after the second meeting. I think we were probably one of the first couples she ever met with that was seeking "proactive" counseling for a problem that hadn't yet occurred. But, that's always been my objective when seeking counseling-- to find someone that can help me (and us) be productive about the situation at hand, I don't want to just wallow in it. Thankfully, I have found that, and feel like I'm working to take control of my own happiness. It's a very empowering feeling.

What else am I doing to keep sane? Oh, the regular. I work my 8-5 (I did get promoted recently--yay!), I go to my weekly happy hours, I peruse "Style Me Pretty" on the daily, I interact with Perry like she's my human child, I participate in "girls night" every Thursday, I keep up with The Mindy Project, American Horror Story: Freakshow, and SNL, I obsessively listen to Lana Del Rey, I collect little what-nots for Eric's monthly care package, I buy myself flowers every chance I get, and I plan the hell out of our wedding.

I guess I'm finding there's no special formula for getting through a tough time. I'm just doing what I can to take control over my outlook on the situation at hand; the one I had no control over in the first place. It's a challenging pursuit, but dammit, I'm trying. I may lose sight of the positive when things like Eric's downstairs neighbor accidentally unloading a firearm directly into his mattress happen (yes, that actually happened, no, Eric was miraculously not in bed at the time), but with every close-call or nervous breakdown, I smell the bundle of roses on my dresser, push myself a little harder in Barre 3, and remind myself that we're one day closer. 

Speaking of the man himself, the one I'm one day closer to seeing, he's doing just fine. He's still witty as can be, and somehow his sense of humor is even more on-point than ever. Many of you have asked me for his address, which is awesome. If anyone reading this wants to send him some love, please feel free to ask me how! Receiving mail is an absolute day/week/month-brightener over there. When Eric isn't dodging bullets shot into his own mattress, he's working and doing daily-doubles at the gym on base. He's getting pretty beefy, as if he had any room to be more attractive. Also, if any of you are brainstorming welcome home gifts, he's become quite fixated on mini-pigs. Yes, actual miniature pigs that you keep as pets. He really thinks Perry would be a good big sister to a tiny oinker. Just a suggestion.

And with that, I'm onto making my most important decision of the day: gold or silver chargers with the place settings? I know, it's a doozy. 

Perry stares at me like this the entire time I type up these blogs, FYI.

taking stock.

I think I've come to the conclusion that October is my favorite month of the year. Oregon Octobers are beautiful like nothing else I've seen. They stay warm and sunny (usually), but the season's changes come in full-swing, and it's hard not to fall in love with the surroundings. However, this year it's been a difficult month to remain completely upbeat through. Autumn is a time that especially reminds me of Eric and our relationship. Eric and I started dating in October. We had our first kiss on a bench in a park on a weekend night around 2am in October. We got to know each other in October. We bought Perry in October. Our best beach trips have been in October. I guess this month is just one that I especially want Eric around for. October has always been a month of celebration, and one that tends to make me reflect on all the good going on in my life. This year I am still reflecting on all the good in my life, but I'm also painfully aware of what (who) is missing as well.

In the spirit of reflecting, I thought I'd try something new out. I've seen a few other blogger friends compose these "taking stock" entries, and I want to give it a shot. Maybe I'll make it a regular thing, who knows. I hope everyone is having a wonderful start to the new season! 

Bookmarking: Lots and lots of wedding inspiration.

Cooking: not much. Eggs, sometimes.

Drinking: tea. Always tea. And water.

Enjoying: quiet time, and getting back into an exercise routine.

Hoping: for strength, composure, perspective, peace, and a centered mind. 

Feeling: apprehensive, flustered, impatient, grateful.

Following: PLENTY of wedding blogs. Style Me Pretty is my new addiction. 

Giggling: at Perry. She's constantly brightening my days.

Knowing: The more I learn, the less I know.

Liking: my new room in my dad's place. There's these cool beams and arches, and it's unique and homey.

Looking: at old photos.

Loving: technology. Thank goodness for texting, Skype, and the abundance of wireless internet. 

Making: mine and Eric's wedding website! I'm no web designer, but I'm really digging it so far.

Marveling: at the happiness and growth of so many of my friends. I've witnessed marriages, engagements, new jobs, new homes, I am so happy to witness such wonderful times for wonderful people.

Needing: energy to adjust, endure, and remain positive.

Noticing: little changes in my personality and tendencies. Before filling in my "taking stock" entries, I re-arranged the categories in alphabetical order. That is so not me.

Opening: an Amazon Prime delivery. Yay for herbal supplements. 

Playing: Netflix. Obviously.

Reading: I just started "Gone Girl". I'm losing momentum though, I need to keep at it.

Smelling: cinnamon/vanilla wax melts.

Thinking: about how 2014 has been quite the year of change for me. Moving, the deployment, the engagement, the marriage, the divorce of my parents, and changes at work. I'm so looking forward to 2015, I am hoping for it to be the year of celebration.

Waiting: For my man to come home.

Wanting: Ditto "waiting".

Wasting: time. But, I've heard that time enjoyed wasting is not wasted at all. I couldn't agree more.

Wearing: my engagement ring, a bracelet Eric had made for me, a necklace Eric had made for me; the three things I wear every day. The rest is just clothes.

Wishing: ....at the risk of being redundant, I'm wishing for someone to safely return.

Wondering: how recent changes at work are going to play out.

the thick of it.

As of today, we are about six weeks into the "boots on ground" portion of Eric's deployment. We're in the thick of it. For these six weeks, life has been about deep breaths, white-knuckling, and taking things one day at a time. I'm not sure how things will change and progress from here, but so far I have already been confronted with challenges that have never before appeared in my relationship with Eric; challenges I didn't foresee coming. And so, this process is truly one learning, adapting, resiliency, grace, and patience-- easier said than done.

I had been warned from other military wives that things would be rough, especially at the beginning. However, I didn't know what that warning really meant. Would it just be the fact that I'd miss him? Would the main challenge stem from doing everything on my own, and continuing on with life without my husband for an entire year? Would it be about going to bed alone at night while wondering what he's doing on the other side of the globe? These are the kinds of challenges I expected and prepared for. In my ignorant pre-deployment brain, I didn't have the capacity to grasp just how complex and unique the challenges coming our way would be.

Simply put, deployments go beyond being forced into a state of "missing each other". Deployments completely derail the ways that you operate as a couple. Deployments take away your means of prioritizing and maintaining a healthy relationship almost entirely.

During a deployment, the biggest and most important priority is the physical, mental and emotional well-being of the deployed soldier. It is absolutely imperative that during a time of incredible lack of safety, comfort, and certainty, the person deployed is supported to the utmost degree by any means possible. The person back at home doesn't have much control over their soldier's physical well-being, but we most certainly have a large part in maintaining mental and emotional well-being through our communications. The general rule is that communications should always be positive, encouraging, and supportive. What I have learned, is that this shift in prioritization almost inherently means that the needs of the person at home and the relationship itself are put on the back-burner. It's just the reality of the process.

I have to admit, I'm almost ashamed to acknowledge how hard it has been for me to be a selfless, consistent source of positivity for my husband in this time. I'm learning how difficult it is to give all of your energy and love to a partner that is temporarily unable to reciprocate at the same level, all while experiencing your own adversity on the homefront. It turns out, selflessness to this degree is not my strong suit, because it's not something that has ever been required of me. I realized how much of a challenge this would be for me when I experienced my first emotional day of the deployment. Eric had also had a hard day, and he was hoping a conversation with me would raise his spirits and strengthen his motivation. It was the first time I had heard his voice after his arrival to his base, and I was determined to make this rare chance to actually talk on the phone a positive one for him. The entire time I spoke with him, I was trying my hardest to be uplifting while choking back tears. I was only able to keep that going for a few minutes before breaking down, further dampening his day, and unintentionally putting him in a position where he needed to comfort me. It's an incredibly complicated situation, because as bad as I feel about this situation I find myself in, Eric has it exponentially worse. As much as I need comfort and consolation, he needs it more. Any deployed soldier has enough on their plate without taking on the burden of assuring everyone at home that things will be fine. I know this, yet successfully being the "rock" I want to be for him seems to be beyond my grasp in many of the moments that require me to step up.

What I'm trying to say, is that I'm chaotically stumbling through this process, learning as i go, and making a lot of mistakes along the way.

It's hard to describe accurately what this all feels like. My relationship with my husband is the most rewarding, amazing relationship in my life. But during a deployment, most of of the things that make our relationship rewarding and amazing are taken away and put on hold, only to be experienced again after a safe return and successful re-acclimation. For now, the only real way we are able to express love to each other is through the words we say and write. Words are important, and luckily for me, Eric is wonderful with words. It's actually incredibly impressive how he fulfills many of my relationship needs through his words alone. Words will get us through this year, but words aren't enough to sustain a relationship long-term. While we do our best with what we have, we are still enduring a year without being in each other's presence. We're enduring year without looking into each other's eyes as we talk about the events of our days, and a year without cuddling, holding hands, kissing, or any form of physical interaction. It's a year without coming home to a fancy meal, or a silly note written on the fridge. It's a year without movie nights, pillow talk, inside jokes, mundane errands, or surprise weekend trips. The real beauty of our relationship is stolen for an entire year, while one of us flirts with disaster in a warzone.

But, here's the kicker-- enduring a deployment is even more than all the things I've mentioned above. On top of not getting your relationship needs met for an entire year, it's suppressing feelings and thoughts you desperately need to express, because actually voicing them will do more harm than good. It's a year of being confronted with horrific news updates and panicking, waiting for a text while praying it wasn't him that was injured or killed. It's feeling heartbroken for those who already won't be coming home, while simultaneously feeling guilty that you're thankful it wasn't him. It's a year of deciding whether or not to take the rare chance to Skype each other, because it's a tough day, and making your miserable state known to your person will make things worse. It's a year of miscommunications because you can only text for the next several days. It's a year of not being able to resolve those miscommunications, because addressing relationship hiccups can't be a priority. It's a year of not knowing what my husband is doing because he's not able to tell me. It's a year of watching him detach from his real life more and more the longer he's there. It's a year of fear, confusion, resentment, heartache, despair, and uncertainty.

I have good days and bad days. The worst days make me feel like I'm kidding myself, that I'll never get through this. The worst days shake my motivation. On my worst days, all of my energy goes into willing myself not to break down and sob at my desk at work. But, the best days remind me that I'm earning something. The best days remind me why I'm doing this, why the man I've married is the best man in the world for me. The best days renew my motivation.

It's likely I will get flack for posting this uncharacteristically negative string of thoughts. I realize that what I'm saying potentially presents military relationships in a negative way, and I apologize if anyone is offended by the way I describe my experience. I don't speak for all military relationships, only my own. Regardless, I'm sure what I've said has the potential of making people think twice before embarking on such a pursuit, but I think that's good. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy, and I think it's probably best for people to be aware of what they're signing on for. As negative as this all sounds, it's my experience and it's real. I'm sure experiences vary. I know there are couples handling it much better than we are, but I also know there are couples taking the deployment much harder than we are. I just keep reminding myself how motivating the idea of bearing on and living on the other side of this god-forsaken year is. I'm working towards a life with my husband in which we've already overcome the worst of our days; a life in which our unique experiences give us the ability to not take our good fortune and mutual love for granted. I'm pushing on for that picket-fence-and-two-or-three kids-when-we're-in-our-thirties life with the most awesome man I know, because although it may sound mundane, a normal life with Eric sounds like the biggest gift life could throw my way. I may not be enduring this year with the most grace or positivity, but I know I'm still earning that normal life with Eric that I dream about every day.

so long, summer.

Hello, all! It's been a while since I've updated. So, get ready for a long-winded purge of thoughts.

The end of August was a whirlwind, and the dust has finally (kind of) settled. For the combined McOmie/Ruberg family, August is the infamous month of non-stop birthdays. Eric's mom, my dad, several cousins, my grandmother, Perry Pup, not to mention both Eric and myself all have August birthdays. It's truly a marathon month of celebration, which makes for an eventful summer each year.

Although I love other peoples' birthdays, I always have a hard time being completely on-board with celebrating my own. I've just felt a day of celebration for myself merely existing another year is kind of undeserved. But, this year it felt even more silly because of Eric's deployment. My husband is away in a country of unrest and turmoil, putting himself in risk every day just by being there, and I'm supposed to cut cake and open presents like everything is hunky-dory? I guess it just made me feel like the attention was misplaced. My family and friends always do their best to shirk my apathetic attitude every year, though, and this year was no different-- I had a great day becoming 24. Even though he's half a world away, Eric still managed to make me feel special. I came home to flowers and a lovely note on my doorstep, and opened up an Apple TV that he had sent his parents to give to me. My family and I spent the whole day together eating awesome food, opening fashionable gifts, ogling multi-million dollar houses at the Street of Dreams, and going out to a nice restaurant for dinner. That night also brought out my rowdy crowd of wonderful girlfriends, and they did an excellent job of making me feel like I was going on my 21-run all over again. It was awesome and awful all at the same time. This gal can't quite party like she used to.

Promptly following my pseudo 21-run, I woke up mere hours later to pick up my U-Haul and move out of the Wilsonville apartment into my dad's Lake Oswego house. That's right, after 6 years of not living with my family, I have moved back in with a parent! Huge shout out my family for helping me move all the heavy things. I didn't even ask them to help, they just asked me where and when to show up. Family rocks.

It's been a few weeks since I've moved in, and I still kind of feel like I'm just crashing at my dad's house. That's probably due to the fact that I haven't spent too much time at the house yet. It's also weird adjusting to a new home without Eric. But, it's super nice living with my dad again. I also love that my sister Maddie is still staying in the house for the remainder of her summer break. it's been like summer camp with the three of us home. Plus, it's so amazing that they've embraced a dog being back in their day-to-day lives, even though both of them are allergic. That takes some serious sacrifice. Perry Pup's quality of life has dramatically increased since moving. Now, she spends her days people/squirrel-watching from the deck, sun bathing, and roaming the house/yard with my dad and sister. That's quite the dramatic upgrade from being in a crate all day while I work, and I can tell she's much happier.

Even though I've only moved about 8 miles, starting a new routine has been a big part of the past few weeks. I'm used to going home every day for my lunch break since I've never worked more than 3 miles from where I live, so I actually have to be a grown-up and plan meals for myself ahead of time. In keeping with being a grown-up, I've also finally put an end to my two-year sedentary streak and have started an exercise routine. After being introduced through a couple sorority friends, I have signed on for Barre 3 classes! I'm committing to 4-5 workouts per week, and am really excited about it. It's kind of a spendy program, which makes me motivated to get my money's worth and actually go consistently. I'm excited to whip my butt back into working shape again. I've made it through my first week and have really enjoyed it so far.

Eric's birthday, only six days after mine, was his 27th. He spent it enduring a violent case of food poisoning (one that the base's dining hall dispersed to over 100 others), curled up on his twin bunk, located in the middle of one of the most volatile regions in the world. So, needless to say, it was not his best birthday. But, I am happy to say it will most definitely only go uphill from here, because I am 99% sure that Eric will never spend another birthday in a warzone. Although, If I let myself sit an stew for too long, I sink into my crazy-zone; the one brought on by thinking about the level of "suck" his birthday was, and how hopeless I was in making it any better. I'm trying to let it go and accept that it's just how these deployment things go. Unfortunately, they tend to take away your ability to be the partner in all the ways you want to be. One of my biggest challenges throughout this deployment has been finding a way to make a Eric feel loved and special on holidays, as well as the regular days. It's definitely been a learning process, but so far we've actually been doing a pretty solid job of keeping each other feeling loved from afar. Once I get some time and clarity, I'm planning on writing on the ways in which we're keeping our bond strong and healthy. So, stay tuned.

On a related note, Eric and I continue to be able to talk pretty much daily. Technology really is amazing. If it weren't for the time difference, I would have a hard time not feeling like he's just across the state. The fact that we're able to text each other consistently makes it feel like things are way more normal than they are. It's been somewhat of a catch-22, because that level of communication can mess with Eric's mind, and not allow him to truly immerse into his reality in Afghanistan. It's really hard to determine whether the normalcy of constant communication is worth the confusion. Sometimes it's yes, other times it's no. That's a whole additional concept that probably deserves it's own post as well. At this point, it's been about 4 months since the start of this whole deployment, and we have around 8 to go. We still don't have an end date, though. I know they can't legally keep him longer than July 19, 2015, though. So, there's that.

Sprinkled among the above events and thoughts and challenges have been many other things. I found and purchased my wedding dress, I went to the Pendleton Roundup with some of my best lady friends, visited family in Atlanta, partook in several happy hours with friends, and started watching The Office all over again on Netflix. I'm currently swooning over Pam & Jim's escalating friendship. He's about to dump Karen. It's getting good.

And to wrap up, here's a photo purge of the Roundup. Just 'cause I'm feeling fun.